October 22, 2014 by Beth Hess
I have probably, at least a half a dozen times over the last several years, investigated Overeaters Anonymous meetings in my area.
I’ve never gone.
Because I tell myself I’m not damaged enough for that. Not obese enough. Not that far out of control. That really, all things considered, I can stop any time I want. I have before and I can again.
I’ve been telling myself lies.
It’s no surprise to me, then, that when I got serious enough about life change to start studying the 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous, I found a discussion of surrender on the very first page.
Because that’s the thing I have never, ever done when it comes to sugar and other binge-favorite foods.
I have thrown away. I have limited. I have sacrificed. I have said No, Thank you. But I’ve never admitted being completely out of control. Because then, well, I’d have to give up control.
The illusion of control, of course, is what I mean.
Step One is “We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.”
The word punches me in the gut. And “Powerless” comes right behind it with the uppercut. This even as I am trying to steady myself with the word “Recovery” — something I only recently have been able to consider I might need.
Once again I must admit… I am not Ok. That I cannot do this on my own. That I need help. That I am out of control.
So I roll this around in my mind. I pray over it. And I realize I am not yet ready to put my full weight even on Step One.
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